I need an incredible executive assistant (Austin, TX)

I am looking for an executive assistant to help me manage 4 nightclubs and 2 other growing online businesses.

YOU-
-FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST SUPER FAST TURBO CHARGED MULTI TASKER, YOU WORK ON TWO THINGS AT ONCE NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WORK ANY OTHER WAY
-Uber Organized
-You live in the grey……out of the Box thinking is your middle name
-You are cheap with my money
-You take great pleasure in tearing my phone company a new one for overcharging me by accident
-You take great pleasure in getting me discounts
-You know Orbitz and other travel sites like the back of your hand
– You have the memory of an elephant
-You can do expense reports in your sleep
-You are the type of person that gets your work done WAY before schedule just because you can
-NO CLOCK WATCHERS – 5 minutes early and 5 minutes late is typical for you (I HATE CLOCK WATCHERS!!!!!!!!!)
-You can deal with a real pain in the ass for a boss, who is always busy, bad at communicating, and does not give much direction
-You are not afraid to give me shit for being bad at communicating and for not giving direction so that you can get your work done
-You know a little about a lot
– You are pretty good with computers
– You hate a mess
– You are known as “Cool Under Pressure” by your friends
– You are a fast worker who makes minimal mistakes
– You are an amazing scheduler with a sickening degree of attention to detail
– You are an awesome juggler of tasks
– You are an animal at project management
– You like to work your ass off
-You are not offended by nudity…the clubs are swingers clubs and you may have to visit them on occasion…the clubs are open at night so you might have odd hours sometimes and you don’t care
-You can travel overnight for a night or two…I have 4 locations currently in TX and LA…and I want to open more clubs, but I can’t do it without your help

This is a part time position to start 20 hours plus per week, but I foresee it becoming full time very quickly. Send me a resume and cover letter in pdf format. In your cover letter tell me four things:

1. Why are you such a badass
2. Describe the last 3 bosses you had and why you loved and hated working for them
3. Tell me your ideal situation
4. Tell me about the first job you ever had, what you did, how long you had the job.

Include a recent picture of your self.

GOOD LUCK!